I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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