what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
