i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
