I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
