I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
