Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
