the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
