Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
