Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
