State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
