god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
