He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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