yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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