I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
