She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
