get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
