it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
