Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
