Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let's paint friendship bongs
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
