If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
