A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
