you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
