Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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