just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
