If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
