omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wear drunk well.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
