craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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