PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
