I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
