Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
