I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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