Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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