and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
