There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
