I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
