then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
