I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
