Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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