if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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