he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
