I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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