i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
