Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
