My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
