oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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