and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
