i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
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