I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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