the condom got lost in my hair
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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