You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
