I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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