I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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